The "Catfish" Who Wasn't!

How long are you willing to wait before you finally meet someone in person you have connected with from an online dating site?

Many experienced users of online dating and social networking sites know they can present a variety of "challenges", not the least of which is determining whether someone you have made contact with is real, fake, or trying to scam you. It may be the question I am asked most often when someone is seeking my advice. As of now, and for the foreseeable future, the only sure-fire way to authenticate or verify whether someone is real and sincere is to arrange to meet them in person. Ordinarily, I advise someone to do this as soon as possible. An obvious exception to that is if there is any kind of distance involved between them, then meeting in person would require a bit more planning and perhaps some expense. Even under those circumstances, my advice is still to arrange for a face-to-face meeting as soon as you can. So it came as quite a surprise and even a bit of "shock" when I tuned in to the one of the latest episodes of MTV's "Catfish" and learned a lovely young lady was in a "relationship" with someone she only knew from the Internet (and phone) for over 8 years! You read that correctly, 8 years!

In this episode (Season 2, Ep. 4, originally broadcast on 7/17/2013), we are introduced first to a pretty young lady from Texas named "Lauren", who is 22 years old. She had been maintaining an Internet "relationship" with someone from Maryland named "Derek" for over 8 years. The simple math says that Lauren and Derek had started this relationship when she was merely 14 years old, so you can pretty much toss out the first 5 or 6 years as having any real possibility for them to meet in person. But for the last 2 years or so, Lauren had wanted to "see" Derek and had made suggestions to enable that possibility. When she requested to see Derek by webcam he claimed that he couldn't afford one, along with other "reasons". It was at this point that Lauren contacted the producers of Catfish with her story. When Nev and Max read her email on the show, their reaction to it was pretty much the same as mine (surprise and shock). Part of the email explained that Lauren had even broken off an engagement to someone else because it just didn't "feel right" due to the feelings she had for Derek.

Of course, I began to draw certain conclusions about Lauren such as thinking "her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor". But, from the moment she was introduced and began to speak, my opinion changed quite a bit. Lauren appears to be a mature, down-to-earth, personable, and intelligent young woman who is also a wonderful mother to an adorable 4 year-old little boy. When you combine those things with being very attractive, it leads you to believe she is neither desperate nor lonely. When she is on camera, she also has a certain "likeability". I found myself rooting for her story to have a fairy-tale ending, while trying to suspend my disbelief. In other words, I had a hard time getting past the idea a "train-wreck" was imminent. You couldn't help but notice that Nev and Max were feeling the same things I was. With that, they began their background investigation into Derek.

Over the years Lauren had gotten pictures of Derek. Nev and Max used their resources to try and authenticate them, but came up empty. They then took his cell phone number to try and verify his identity with it and this became a "smoking gun" moment. A picture appeared of an older African-American male, with graying hair and beard, from somewhere in Virginia who happens to be married. Nev, Max, and I all experienced the same, sinking feeling at that moment. We all thought this poor girl's dream was about to be shattered and "Derek" was going to be exposed as a complete fraud and for who he really was. When presented with this evidence, Lauren still believed Derek was real. She wanted to meet him once and for all. She was either going to meet the love of her life or bring final closure to this 8 year journey. They contacted Derek to set up a "meet" and the trip to Maryland was arranged.

What follows is something only Hollywoood could dream up. Not only is Derek "real", he seems to be exactly what Lauren had anticipated, expected, and hoped he would be. The only things missing, at the moment they see each other in person for the very first time, are the sounds of harp music and images of rainbows. It was truly a "Kodak moment". Even Nev and Max were stunned to see that Derek was exactly who he said he was (you have to keep in mind that the biggest part of their job is to find the strangest and most bizarre online dating experiences). Derek had no explanation as to why his cell phone seems to be registered to someone else, but said he would look into it and take the steps to correct that.

For someone like me, who has frequently expressed disappointment and frustration with the way the media seems to focus only on the failures and tragedies of online dating, I felt a sense of vindication. I tell every single person that seeks my guidance, opinion, and advice that online dating does indeed work and you can make your dreams come true, with some simple knowledge and a willingness to be patient and persevere. In all honesty, I would never recommend putting your life on hold for 8 years to finally meet someone in person. I seriously doubt if I would even recommend 8 months!

Here is what I do recommend:

1 - Understand exactly what online dating and social networking sites are created to do.  They are simply a place for you to find others who are looking for potential matches. They also provide ways for you to express your interest in someone or receive interest from another person.

2 - Keep in mind that online dating sites are simply a place for "introductions".  After finding someone that may interest you, the sites' basic communications tools give you a means to contact that person, show your interest, have preliminary conversations, and get acquainted.

3 - If you find yourself becoming more attracted to someone, and you sense the feeling is mutual, make arrangements to meet in person as soon as possible.  You seriously want to avoid the feeling you are creating a "relationship" before this happens. The only way to know for certain is to meet face-to-face, spend a little time together, and see what develops from that.

“I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let’s Meet Our Match – Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

Is Your Profile "Attractive"?

When I am asked for advice, guidance, or suggestions in my role as an Internet dating consultant/advisor, one of the first things I like to do is review someone's entire online dating site profile. Besides looking at their selection of pictures and how they have "filled in the blanks" by utilizing the various formatted options, I am most interested in seeing and reading their profile narrative. I never cease to be amazed at how far too frequently I read profiles that are more focused on trying to prevent contact then they are on welcoming it. When I read one like that, it immediately evokes an image of a security gate and I need to have the right code in order for the gate to open. Obviously, this is what someone is attempting to do when they create that type of profile narrative. I completely get the idea of "security" and/or "prevention". I then discuss with this person that writing something along these lines could be preventing more than just UNwanted contacts. Quite often their response is something like, "It doesn't seem to stop me from getting too many unwanted ones anyway". It's at this point I usually like to ask Dr. Phil's favorite question: "So, how's that workin' for you?"

What also may factor into someone's thinking, when writing that type of profile narrative, is that it could be a way to cut down the amount of time they need to spend utilizing online dating sites. One of the major complaints about dating sites is that using them can be so time-consuming. I realize we live in an age where we now expect everything to be "streamlined" or "instant". In my lifetime so far, I have witnessed all of the incredible technological transformations we have made to even the most simple devices, their functions, and so many elements of our daily lives. There may even come a day when we no longer hear or use the word "patience". For instance, I was recently standing in line (I know. Do you believe it?) waiting to make a purchase when the person ahead of me became annoyed at having to key in a "pin" number after swiping their card. In other words, it seems as if our mindset has evolved from anything that required us to "take our time" has become a "waste of time".

If your written profile narrative, in some form, fits the description I have outlined you should consider a rewrite. While your intent may be to keep some people you would consider undesirable from contacting you, and potentially saving time with less contacts to weed through, there's also an adverse effect. Quite simply, there could be many wonderful "prospects" just passing right by your "security gate" because of how you have worded your profile. Dating sites will allow you to see who has viewed your profile, but it could be the reason they haven't initiated contact and probably won't. You might very well be a terrific partner and make somebody a great companion, but a profile that says, "Do Not Enter" could be keeping the person you are dreaming of from finding out.

For now and the forseeable future the reality is dating sites, and how they function, are going to require you to invest a certain amount of time. There is little or nothing you can say or do with your written profile narrative that will completely "shield" you from unwanted or undesirable contacts (especially if you have attractive pictures). Perhaps one way to save some time is to eliminate responding to anyone that doesn't interest you. It seems that for the most part, this has become an accepted protocol. Should there be any "backlash" from someone by not replying to their interest, you simply ignore it. If they persist, you "block" or "delete" them and can report them to the dating site with a simple "click".

Here are some of my tips for creating an attractive and easy-to-read written profile narrative:

1 - I strongly suggest using a 3-paragraph method.  In my book I describe this method and why it works best. The basic idea is to say a lot by using a minimal amount of words. As I already discussed, we live in an age where everything is more streamlined. People want their information delivered quickly and to the point. If your profile is too lengthy you run the risk of having someone "scan" over it or stop reading entirely. Have you ever read someone's profile and found yourself uttering, "Yada, yada, yada"?

2 - Be positive and "welcoming".  Your profile narrative is not the place to discuss your aggravation, disappointment, or frustration with online dating sites. You also don't want to make it seem that you are "lowering your standards" or "resorting" to using this process. You may not realize it, nor have it be your intention, but by wording your narrative this way you could be offending or even insulting other users. An online dating profile is all about welcoming interest from prospects. The more positive vibes you put out gives you a much better chance of finding your "dream come true".

3 - Most people take the written word "literally".  A tendency for many people, when creating their profile narrative, is to paint a picture of what they want or hope their life will be like with someone new and they will create a type of "wish list". Many "baby-boomer" profiles can read like "bucket lists". While there is nothing wrong with this, per se, you could be creating an image of someone who leads or seeks a "whirlwind" lifestyle that is difficult, if not impossible, to maintain. When people read your profile narrative, chances are they are not going to take the time to "read between the lines". In other words, you could make yourself appear to be someone whose only focus is activities, hobbies, and interests and has no time or availability to cultivate a real relationship.

4 - Before hitting "enter", review, edit, or proofread your profile narrative.  Many people have some degree of difficulty translating their thoughts into written words and get frustrated when attempting to create their profile narrative. A simple "trick", if you get stuck, is to step away for a bit, regroup, and organize your thoughts. Even professional writers will occasionally experience this problem. Go get a cup of coffee, take a walk around the block, or come back the next day. You'll be amazed at how it gets easier with a clearer mind and a fresh set of eyes. The most important thing to remember is that you are sending out a message to attract people and your profile is their first impression of you. Will you be someone that welcomes their interest or someone that tries to avoid it?

“I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!”


Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let’s Meet Our Match – Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com  

Those "Catfish" Are Biting Again!

The MTV production of "Catfish" is back for season #2. (For those of you who may not be familiar with this show, it's premise is finding people that are using online dating and/or social networking websites in the pursuit of romance and a long-term relationship. The show "follows" someone as they communicate with a person they believe is sincere, looking for the same thing, have established a "connection", and taking the steps to ultimately meet in person. The ending of each episode follows what happens when the the two people meet face-to-face for the first time and it's revealed the "other" person is a fake, fraud, or some type of impostor.) This show has become very popular as we get to watch someone experience their shock, disappointment, and heartbreak at the moment they realize they have been scammed. It seems we will never get tired of watching train wrecks, someone get a pie in the face, smoke an exploding cigar, or get squirted with water.

The premiere episode of the second season features a lovely young lady named "Cassie". Cassie had had some tragic experiences in her life. The worst of these was her father had recently been murdered in Haiti. Her way of coping/dealing with this was to throw herself into the party scene. Her best friend "Gladys" became very concerned. Unbeknownst to Cassie, Gladys "created" someone named "Steven" (disguised as a professional musician) to appear on Cassie's Facebook and communicate with her. Gladys' intention was to help Cassie work her way through her traumatic experience and get her life back to normal. As this online "relationship" evolved and a male voice was needed for phone calls and audio chats, Gladys went so far as to recruit her cousin "Tony" to play the part of Steven. In other words, Gladys would be the online Steven and Tony would be the phone/audio Steven. It's apparent this all worked better than Gladys expected as Cassie began getting her life back together. What I don't believe Gladys anticipated was that Cassie would fall in love with Steven and they would become "engaged". Yes, engaged. Amazingly, with only still pictures and no video communication whatsoever, this online "engagement" lasted more than two years, supposedly due to Steven's too busy schedule of touring and writing, before a face-to-face meeting could finally be arranged. The producers of the show investigated Steven and revealed his true identity to Cassie. What you see at the end of the show is Cassie's confrontation with Gladys.

I truly sympathize with Cassie and the immeasurable pain she felt with the terrible loss of her father. I'd also like to believe that Gladys had nothing but the best of intentions when she created "Steven" to nurture Cassie and hopefully alleviate her pain and suffering. But I certainly don't believe creating a fake "love interest" was the way to go. Situations like Cassie's are best left to true professionals who are trained in grief counseling. As her best friend, Gladys should have suggested this even if it became necessary for her to say, "I'll go with you".

I do take a bit of exception with the whole "Catfish" thing TV show. I understand there is more entertainment value in watching human failings and that happy endings only work for Walt Disney movies. I also realize watching a wedding video (unless the bride has a dress malfunction or the groom trips at the altar) isn't nearly as entertaining as seeing the horror on someone's face when, for example, they meet a woman who is supposed to be a guy. "Happily ever after" just isn't as much fun to watch. But the real truth about online dating sites is that polls and statistics indicate more long-term relationships and marriages are being created every day with their use. They continue to grow and flourish, and Internet sites are now the most popular way to meet new people. The stigmas associated with them have mostly disappeared, the sites are becoming evermore sophisticated, and they continue taking steps to try and eliminate various frauds and scams. The sites are also becoming much less tolerant of disrespectful or improper behavior, as evidenced by the serious changes made to the website PlentyofFish.com (to view the email notification sent to all of it's users: http://letsmeetourmatch.com/pof-takes-a-stand/).
  
While Gladys' heart may have been in the right place, should she have carried on her deception of Cassie for more than TWO years?

Here are some important steps to follow so you can have a more pleasant and happier experience:

1 - Let your instincts and common sense rule the day.  It's not at all difficult to feel that you have somehow created a "connection" with someone that you only know through an online dating/social networking website. The best preventative steps you can take is listening to that little voice that says, "Let's slow down for a minute before we go leaping off this cliff". The moment you have any question or sense a tinge of doubt about someone's validity, honesty, integrity, or sincerity is your brain's way of trying to protect you.

2 - Emotions and common sense mix like oil and water.  In other words, they don't. Taking a moment to analyze something before reacting, or making any kind of choice or decision, doesn't guarantee you will always make the best or right one. But at the very least you will be choosing what you perceive to be the best option. This is the type of advice most often given by analysts/psychologists/psychiatrists. How many times have all of us regretted the outcome of a choice or decision because we allowed our emotions to dictate the moment and didn't think something through more clearly? Searching for love and romance (one of our strongest, deepest, and most powerful emotions) and then believing you have found it, before staying in control and taking the time to meet someone in person can have sad, disappointing, or even tragic results.

3 - "Red flags" aren't that difficult to detect.  The most glaring one is any kind of hesitation when it comes to meeting you in person. If the person you are in communication with is swearing their undying love and devotion to you, along with promising you the moon and the stars, then meeting you in person should be an automatic. I know if I sense an attraction to someone and there is a real possibility of making a "connection", the only thing I'm thinking is how soon can I meet her? This is the ultimate goal for using online dating sites and should be your mindset, as well. Don't allow a continuous stream of excuses or alibis as this can be a strong signal that something's not right.

4 - Pictures aren't enough.  While I have discussed several times how vital pictures are on your profile, they're certainly not the be-all, end-all for determining physical attraction (chemistry) or if there will be a real connection. This can only be done by meeting each other in person and spending some quality time together. Pictures on a dating profile perform much the same way as a sales brochure or pamphlet. It's only in the physical presence of someone or something that allows our instincts and human senses to fully function as they should.

“I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!”

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let’s Meet Our Match – Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com   

The "Eyes" Have It!

A while back, a sports talk radio station in Tampa, Fla. set up an "online dating challenge" pitting the producer of the early morning show vs. the producer of the mid-morning show. The contest was about who could create the best online dating profile and attract the best date. Being a listener to the station and hearing this, I brought a copy of my book to them and volunteered my expertise to assist in any way I could. A short time later I was a call-in guest to the mid-morning show.

During the call, the host's first comments and questions were focused on the type of pictures his producer/contestant should include on his profile. One of those was whether he should appear in a sleeveless shirt or even "bare-chested" in any of his profile pictures, (my suggestion was that he use some nice "head" shots, along with pictures of him at work, perhaps doing a "remote" while wearing his headphones). Another question was whether he should "fudge" his height, weight, build, and/or appearance. My response to both questions was "No". (In fairness to the host, he is happily married and has never been a user of online dating sites. He was simply trying to get his guy a "competitive edge"). Meanwhile, this conversation got my wheels turning and I began to think how vital our eyes are to everything in our lives.

After having read so many ladies' profiles over the years, I have seen many that say something like, "I am not interested in seeing you without a shirt on" (this is the G-rated version). So many in fact, that it's reasonable to assume even more women feel that way without disclosing it on their profile, even if you think you are the next "Arnold". I have also seen as many, if not more, that include various statements that can be summed up in four simple words, "NO pictures, NO response". So, not only do the ladies request or require pictures, they demand them. As for "fudging" any of your physical characteristics, you seriously run the risk of a negative first impression, which means you are most likely going to have a "one and done" first date. Your entire profile should reflect who and what you are as accurately as possible for the reason that it is what will attract someone to you in the first place. The response you want to strive for is, "You look exactly like your pictures", or, "You look even better in person than your pictures". You certainly don't want "disappointment", or worse, to be someone's initial reaction when you meet face-to-face for the first time.

Here's why pictures and the information you provide are so important on your dating profile:

1 - Of the five senses humans possess, our ability to see and visualize is the most powerful.  Our eyes send more signals and messages to the brain than any of our other senses. We use them to qualify and verify everything we come in contact with and whatever is going on around us. Imagine for a moment that someone asks you to close your eyes and taste something. What is your immediate response afterwards? You instinctively want to open your eyes and see what it is you have tasted. Another example is when you touch something that feels strange without looking. Your eyes will instantly focus on that object faster than you can think about it. The same can be said for a sound you hear or perhaps you catch a whiff of something in the air. The automatic response is to qualify and verify with your eyes anything/everything that has triggered your other senses.

2 - Advertising, Architecture, Art, Design, Marketing, Sales, etc.  These are all things that at their core are meant to trigger a positive response by visual means. Of course that response can vary from one person to the next, but the idea is to create something that is "eye-catching". For example, an important aspect of a house for sale is it's "curb appeal", which is all about how the house looks and will be seen by a prospective buyer. Any creative endeavor will have at it's root the importance of how the final result or product will appear to people and attempt to evoke a certain reaction or emotions. In the case of marketing and/or sales, it will be to visually "lure" you into a purchase.

3 - Online dating websites function like "catalogs".  When we view a catalog we tend to "scan" or "page" through it until we come across something that catches our eye or we find exactly what we are looking for, and once we do, only then will we take the time to read the description. Ordinarily, we don't waste time looking at housewares or appliances when we want to find sporting goods or clothing. The structure of online dating sites basically works in the same way. Generally, the user will "scroll", "page", or "scan" through profiles (usually presented in some abbreviated form) until a picture grabs their attention and that's when they will read the profile narrative attached to that picture.

4 - Some things to keep in mind for your profile pictures.  Your main or primary profile picture is the most important. It's the one that will be seen the most and is shown to other site users when they are searching in the "catalog" mode. An up-close and clear face shot is best for this (and you can never go wrong with a nice smile). "Selfies" in the mirror are Ok, but you should only use them to fill out your profile album, or until you can get better ones to include. (Hint: One of the complaints I have heard many times over the years is that people get tired of seeing the same faces. If you routinely change or update your primary photo it will generate more views to your profile. Many dating sites create an "announcement" when someone updates their photos or adds new ones).

When viewing someone's profile, what type of pictures appeal the most to you?

“I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!”

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let’s Meet Our Match – Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com  

POF Takes a Stand!!

One of the largest online dating sites, PlentyofFish.com (aka pof.com), recently sent out an email from the founder of POF, Markus Frind, to all of it's members that stated certain types of contact/communication/behavior is no longer going to be acceptable on their website. Here are the key points of that email:

"Today about 70% of POF use is via a mobile phone and unfortunately about 2% of men started to use POF as more of a hookup site mostly due to the casual nature of cell phone use. In sticking with my vision that POF is all about Relationships, I'm going to make a bunch of changes to ensure it stays a relationship-focused site.

1.   Any first contact between users that contains sexual references will not be sent.  Anyone who tries to get around this rule will be deleted without warning. This rule has actually been in effect since last month and it's made the site so much better.

2.  You can only contact people +/- 14 years of your age. There is no reason for a 50 year old man to contact a 18 year old women.  The majority of messages sent outside those age ranges are all about hookups. Anyone who tries to get around this rule will get deleted.

3.  Intimate Encounters will go away in the next few months. There are 3.3 Million people who use the site every day, of those there are only 6,041 single women looking for Intimate Encounters. Of those 6,041 women, the ones with hot pictures are mostly men pretending to be women. Intimate Encounters on POF can be summed up as a bunch of horny men talking to a bunch of horny men pretending to be women.

In short, the vast majority of people will not be impacted. This is because the vast majority of people are not going around spamming women saying "let's have sex tonight". I can't change POF alone,  I need your help to get the word out there that POF is all about relationships!"

Markus


To the best of my knowledge, this is an unprecedented move in the online dating "business" community and this email is certainly blunt and to the point. Ordinarily, the LAST thing a dating site wants to do is delete any of it's users. Of course, this may actually attract more users, by knowing these guidelines are in place.

I am certainly glad to see someone in Markus' position finally step forward to address what has long been a serious issue for many people utilizing online dating sites to find a happy and healthy long-term relationship. Using the threat of being "deleted" will no doubt get everyone's attention. While my personal preference is to someday find a wonderful lady close to my own age, I don't necessarily agree with the creation of an age gap limit. Since the site already monitors messages that users send to each other, why have an age range limit as long as the people doing the communicating are agreeable, cordial, treating one another with dignity and respect, and no one is complaining? By the same token, there are dating websites specifically designed for matching people with significant differences in age should that be your desire.

Consider these tips when you decide to begin communicating with someone:

1 - Be cordial, polite, and respectful.  This is where you are going to be making one of your two "first impressions" (the second will be when you actually meet each other in person). If you don't make a good first one, you probably won't get a chance at the second one.

2 - Save the off-color remarks and sexual innuendo until much later.  It's understood that your initial contact to someone is partially because of physical attraction to their pictures. But don't allow those raging hormones to overwhelm you and make comments that you could end up regretting. If you are truly at the beginning stages of a real relationship, you will have plenty of time for those discussions on a mature level.

3 - Don't be someone that permits that kind of initial contact.  If you are someone who is uncomfortable with that type of communication initially, then make your feelings known or simply ignore those who approach you in that manner. While it is not discussed often enough, a big part of this problem is the number of people who allow and even entertain communication of a sexual nature through dating sites that focus on creating meaningful relationships.

4 - Sign up for dating sites that are more in tune with your real needs.  If you are not seeking a long-term, happy, and healthy relationship and your needs fall into more of an "other" category, than choose dating sites that are focused on that. There are many sites already in existence and new sites being developed constantly that are becoming more specialized and cater to someone's specific needs or desires.

What are your suggestions for having a more pleasant online dating experience?

“I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!”

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let’s Meet Our Match – Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

How About We....?

While searching through one of the online dating websites where I am a member, an ad for a site called HowAboutWe.com (as in "How about we go see a movie?" or "How about we go out for dinner tonight?") popped up and caught my eye. Apparently it has existed for a couple of years or more, but I had never seen or heard of it until now. I clicked on the ad to see what it was all about.

HowAboutWe.com created a dating website that is focused on great first date "ideas". In other words, their central theme is matching people based on a variety of things that people could do together on a first date. You can look at a list of these various date ideas, select the ones that interest you, and then see who else likes the same things. After the standard sign-up process, you are asked to submit your own ideas for first dates. The date possibilities can range from simple things like going to different festivals, renting a convertible for the day and taking a "road trip", to something like buying Tarot cards and spending time together learning how to use them (you could also substitute many other "learning" experiences to share). Needless to say, the possibilities are endless and only limited by your imagination. Another big difference and something else I have never seen before, is this site also allows couples or people already in relationships to join for discovering unique/unusual date ideas and activities.

Reviewers like the structure of the site, it's neutral colors, fewer ads, and easy navigation. Like most other dating websites, the initial sign-up is free but your access is limited to the basic functions. For things like sending or viewing emails, seeing if the email you've sent has been received or read, or who has viewed your profile, etc. you will need your plastic.

Several complaints I've heard over the years about Internet dating sites is that there's very little creativity or anything new that comes along. HowAboutWe.com is certainly taking a different approach to matching people by creating memorable first dates and placing less emphasis on physical attraction. To a certain degree, this is similar to how eHarmony.com attempts to match people based on compatibility.

I think it's great that sites come along with different or alternative ways for us to meet and connect with people and there is truly a place for them in the online dating world. Perhaps by planning a unique first date it can make meeting someone new a bit less stressful and have conversation flow much easier. However, I still believe that our human instinct for physical attraction (chemistry) is what determines how much of a future there will be with the person you have met.

What are some ideas you might have for a great first date?

Here are some things to consider when choosing what dating sites you will use:

1 - Niche dating sites offer an alternative way to meet people.  By having a "theme" of some kind, niche dating sites make it much easier to find someone that will share the same level of interest or enthusiasm for an activity, hobby, or occupation that you have. Sharing something in common right from the start can make getting to know one another more comfortable and a more pleasant experience. The downside to using niche dating sites is they have far less members than the "general" dating sites, so there will be fewer potential matches. Users of these sites will sometimes complain about the lack of "activity" that is generated. Their membership fees can also be a bit "pricey".

2 - Create your own "niche" with your profile narrative.  If there is an element of your life that is important, necessary, or essential for your new partner to know and/or share with you, then you can emphasize that in your profile narrative. You might even include things on your "bucket list". A truly interested person will take the time to read your entire profile and will then know what matters most to you. By contact/communication you can both decide if you have the foundation for a relationship and whether you are going to meet in person.

3 - The larger dating sites are adding "bits & pieces" from the niche sites.  Many of the large, general dating sites are incorporating elements you will see being used by niche dating sites. Things such as questions relating to "chemistry" and/or "compatibility". Some sites may ask you to describe your ideal first date. The point is that while niche dating sites have a valuable place in the online dating community, the larger sites see the importance of helping you find a potential match best suited to your needs.

4 - If you are thinking of joining a new site, see what Google has to say.  For any dating site you are considering, go to Google search, type in the name, and add the word "reviews". You will see websites dedicated to reviewing online dating sites. You can also learn what other users have to say about their experience using any particular site. In order to get the best pricing, many dating sites require you to join for a specified length of time. It's worth the time and effort to learn as much as you can about any particular site before joining and possibly wasting your money. With Internet dating sites, there is something for everyone and you want to find what will work best for you.

“I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!”

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let’s Meet Our Match – Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

Is It Time For Some "Spring Cleaning"?

Spring is a favorite season for many people. It's a time of renewal when temperatures are warming, flowers begin blooming, the leaves and grass become green again, and we begin to think more about outdoor activities. It's said that Spring is also the season where our thoughts turn more to love and romance. Spring is also the time we know as the season for cleaning.

Perhaps Spring is also a time to do some "cleaning" when it comes to our Internet dating profile. Maybe it's a time for you to go back and review your dating profile with a "fresh set of eyes".  For example, you may want to update your activities or maybe you have discovered a new-found interest that you would like to share. Have you taken some pictures recently that might give your profile a fresh, new look? There are several things you can do that may bring new "visitors" to your profile and liven up your online dating experience.

Here are some tips for doing a "Spring cleaning" on your dating profile:

1 - Add new pictures and delete old ones.  The simple truth is that pictures generate more interest than any other element of your dating profile. You may have even said to yourself on occasion "I'm so tired of seeing the same people and the same old faces". Freshen up your profile with new pictures that show you as up close and clearly as possible. While you may have "group" or "activity" shots that look great, the viewer doesn't want to try and pick you out of a crowd. Your dating profile also isn't the best place for a "family album" or "travel brochure".

2 - "Honesty is the best policy".  I know, a tired old cliche, but a valuable point to always remember. The one word that appears in more profiles than any other I have seen, when someone is describing the type of person or relationship they hope to find, is "honesty". Not being completely honest and truthful about yourself and your life just doesn't make any sense. Clean up the things where you may have "bent" or "stretched" the truth. You are going to meet someone in person at some point for what you hope could be the start of a new life. Think how you would feel or react if you discovered some level of dishonesty or even a flat-out lie.

3 - Do some proofreading and editing.  One of the things that will jump out at someone reading your profile is if it contains grammar or spelling mistakes. Spellcheck is one of the most valuable tools on your computer and a great way to "spruce up" your profile. If the site(s) you are utilizing doesn't offer it, then compose your profile somewhere that does. Simply copy and paste it into the appropriate place after you've finished. It's a little detail that can make a big difference.

4 - Is your profile easy to read?  One of the best things you can do is create a profile narrative that "flows". We live in an age where we want our information as simply and as quickly as possible. You want to avoid having a profile where the reader starts to "scan" with their eyes and stops reading. Perhaps one way to view writing your profile is to think "pamphlet". My book describes a 3 paragraph method for writing a profile that works perfectly for you and the reader, and you can clean out anything that's not really necessary.

5 - Maybe a friend could help.  Any kind of cleaning chore is never a lot of fun. But it may go easier if you have a friend to help you along the way. Have someone that knows you well and can be somewhat objective view your profile and pictures. Friends have a tendency to see us a bit differently than we see ourselves and may offer you great advice for what you should include or remove from your profile and the pictures you should use.

Are there any other things you could do to give your profile a "Spring cleaning"?

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

Will That "First Date" Also Be a "Last Date"?

With how big Internet dating has grown and become such a prominent part of so many of our lives, it stands to reason there would also be a huge growth in the number of ways to find information and advice on how to be a successful user of those websites. In my desire to help people, I continually search for various advice columns, blogs, videos, etc., along with sharing my personal experiences, to find things I can pass along to make the process go smoother and easier.

I recently came across a dating advice column written by a lady named Erika Ettin. She is the founder of "A Little Nudge", and she listed several things you want to avoid doing on a first date (you may want to avoid several of these things on ANY date, regardless of the ”number”). Many of these “tips” don’t need a lot of explanation and are really just common sense. It’s also worth remembering that old cliche: "You only get one chance to make a first impression".

Here is the list (Erika’s remarks appear in italic) with some of my personal thoughts added:

1 – Having your phone out or texting.  “It doesn’t get worse than this. Nothing screams “I’m waiting for something better to come up” than a cell phone on the table waiting to be answered. A corollary to this one is actually answering your phone on the date. Try (as hard as it may be) to put your phone in your bag or your pocket for the entirety of the date”.  It’s almost become “standard procedure” to have an “emergency” or “bail-out” call set up ahead of time, but once you are comfortable and feel safe, put the phone away and show the other person the courtesy of your undivided attention.

2 – First date sex.  “For men, it makes you look like you only want one thing (and maybe you do). For women, it makes you look easy”. While either or both of you may have those thoughts running wild in your brain, give those hormones a rest. It’s assumed that one reason you are meeting this person is because there is some level of sexual attraction. Showing respect to the other person means a great deal.

3 – Talking about your ex.  “If you say nice things about your ex, it looks like you’re still not over him/her. And if you say bad things, it looks like you’re still not over him/her and you’re bitter. Lose, lose. Plus, people don’t want to feel like they are being compared to someone else on the first date (or ever, for that matter)”.

4 – Being late (more than 15 minutes).  “People run late – it happens. But if it does, please call to let your date know before the start of the date. Texting is insufficient”. This is nothing more than common courtesy.

5 – Being rude (to a server).  “No snapping your fingers, no yelling for the waiter or waitress, and no treating the servers like second-class citizens. Red flag!” How we interact with other people says a lot about who we are and goes a long way toward the type of impression we are making.

6 – Drinking too much.  “People have a tendency to divulge secrets or commit dating no-no #2 (or likely both) when too much alcohol is involved. Don’t let it be you”. It could also result in you committing a lot of other dating “no-nos” and look bad doing it.

7 – Splitting the bill or letting the woman pay.  “You remember the game of “pick-up check.” The guy should pay on a first date. Whether you like each other or not, it’s still a date after all, and chivalry is not dead”. Personally, I always offer to grab the check first, but I have been on dates where the lady was adamant and insisted on splitting the bill. It’s also not necessary nor worth it to make a big scene about who pays.

8 – Work talk.  “It’s certainly ok to discuss work, but not for the entire date, especially if you don’t like your job”.
  
9 – Mother talk.  “Leave your mom out of the date. Especially for men, it may make you look like a bit of a mama’s boy”.  This will also depend on how you feel about your mother. It could come out worse if you start bad-mouthing her. The same could be said for “Father talk”. You don’t want to make a guy feel like he has to compete for “pedestal” space.

10 – Talking about marriage.  “Great – you like each other! The last thing you want to do is to bring up marriage and scare the other person away. (The same goes for talking about, or naming, your future children)”.  If you are seeking a long-term relationship, it’s ok to broach the subject to see how the other person reacts, but let it go until a much later time after that.

Here are some other things to be aware of that are mostly self-explanatory:  Bad breath, Lousy tipping, Talking too much about yourself, Being “fake” or not being yourself, Smoking (if its not known beforehand).

Is there anything you would add to this list?

To learn more about Erika Ettin and A Little Nudge, you can visit her website:  http://www.alittlenudge.com/

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

"Niches" Are Getting Nich-ier!

A news item I saw the other day about an Internet dating site got my attention, aroused my curiosity, and got me to thinking about the many "niche" dating sites that are available. It seems there are new sites being created all the time and the niches are getting smaller.

So I watched this 2-3 minute news video about a site called MeetAtTheAirport.com. It gave a short description of the concept behind the site ("Share a drink with an attractive stranger in the totally safe environment of a public airport"), along with a ranking of the 5 best airports in the USA for meeting a date. The airports ranked were #5 - Philadelphia, #4 - Boston, #3 - Newark, #2 - Miami, and #1 - Orlando. The rankings were based on such things as amenities, ambiance, and weather delays (what better way to get to know someone than over a nice drink while waiting out a long delay). This particular site claims to have 60,000 registered users. To give you some idea how small or "niche" that is, the biggest dating sites have registered users that number well into the millions. Here is their link if you are interested or curious as to how this site works:  http://meetattheairport.com/

While I have been utilizing Internet dating sites for several years, personally I have never felt the need to use those that fall into the niche category (sites that focus on a particular segment of your life) and have always used the larger, "general" dating sites. I suppose that's because I have a variety of interests and activities which I don't think are considered different or unusual, nor are they a prerequisite for my next relationship. For example, I grew up in the Philadelphia area and I am a big fan of those sports teams. But it's certainly not a "dealbreaker" if my next partner doesn't share the same passion (well maybe if she roots for the Mets). I like to think I have a compromising or "trade-off" type of personality. For instance, if I can watch a ballgame then I am more than willing and happy to attend things like craft shows, museums, live theatre, hear someone's favorite performer in concert, or whatever. I also think that with the right person it would be fun to create new interests or activities together. My feeling is the activity, belief, or interest is secondary to sharing quality time together. Enjoying each other's company, no matter what you are doing, is a big part of the recipe for compatibility.

I get how someone has parts of their life they want, or even need, their next partner to share with them. Having a similar occupation, religion, or maybe the same interest in something on your "bucket list" are things you may feel are essential for your next relationship. Perhaps if you are a single parent, you'd like to meet someone who is in the same situation. In reading so many profiles I have discovered that "baby-boomers" are more specific about lifestyle, activities, interests, and what they desire as they move into the retirement phase of their lives. It would seem they are winding down from all of the hard work and daily grind. And with their priorities changing, they are focusing on activities, interests, type of social life they hope to enjoy, and of course romance as they look forward. For those people a niche dating site would certainly be worth considering. Beginning a new relationship with having something so much in common can be a great way to get started.

There is a wide variety of niche dating sites and their number continues to increase. We are pretty much at the point where you can do a "Google" search like "(fill in the blank) dating" and find exactly what you're looking for or something close to it. If not, just be patient, one will be coming online soon enough!

Here is a small sample list of what's available to give you some idea:

1 - A ranking/rating website for "Niche" dating sites may be a good place to start.  NicheDating.org is an "index" type of website dedicated to listing, describing, and reviewing the multitude of niche dating sites that are available. They offer a wide variety of categories for you to browse, along with comments and remarks. It's a well-designed site with easy navigation. Here is their link:  http://www.nichedating.org/

2 - Are you a lover of all things "Horses"?  A site called EquestrianCupid.com is dedicated to folks whose lives revolve around horses and may be just what you are looking for. It offers all of the essential services you would want from a dating site but is a bit "pricey" for membership. Here is their link:  http://www.equestriancupid.com/

3 - Do you think of yourself as being a "Geek"?  A site called "Geek 2 Geek" may fit your needs. It was also voted "Best Niche Dating Site for 2012" by About.com.  Here is their link:  http://www.gk2gk.com/

4 - Is a "Vegan" lifestyle important to you?  There are a few websites dedicated to the vegetarian way of life. VeggieDate.org is one of them. This site was a finalist for "Best Niche Dating Site for 2013" by iDateAwards.com. Here is their link:  http://www.veggiedate.org/

5 - Are you more of a "Homebody" than anything else?  There is a site called Kwink.com that is a type of "umbrella" site that lists a large variety of niches for you to browse. Their definition of "kwink" is: "A kwink is a trait that best defines you. It may be a passion, lifestyle, deviation, or affliction". The link for the homepage is:  http://www.kwink.com/. For anything specific you can do a "search" on their site. For example, if you are indeed a "Homebody", here's the link for that:  http://www.kwink.com/dating-community/homebody

This is just a tiny sample of what is available in the "niche" dating world. To find whatever it is you would be looking for is easily searched and found. You may want to keep in mind though, that with niche dating sites you will have a significantly smaller number of potential "prospects". The trade-off is that the people you do find will share the same passion, interest, and enthusiasm in something as you.

Have you considered trying a niche dating site? Are you already a member of one?

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

"Catfish" Can Also BITE!

So, another week goes by and we have a new "catfish" story. Not only that, it seems each new story that is exposed has an added twist. This one involves a highly educated professor and theoretical particle physicist from the University of North Carolina named Paul Frampton and world famous Czech bikini model Denise Milani.

Denise Milani

The story goes something like this: The recently divorced and lonely Professor Frampton was conned by an impostor into believing he was chatting with Denise Milani, whom he "met" through an online dating site in November, 2011. The impostor apparently convinced the 68-year-old Prof. Frampton that she (Milani) also wanted to quit her glamorous model life and marry him. After repeated attempts to reach her by phone had failed, he was told to fly to Bolivia and meet her during a photo shoot. Of course, when he arrived she was not there. She then contacted him and said she had to leave quickly for another shoot in Brussels and he could just meet her there. And oh, by the way, could he grab a bag that she had left behind and bring it with him which he agreed to do. Pretty simple, right? Except it may have turned out to be the biggest mistake Prof. Frampton has ever made in his life. The bag he was asked to carry along was lined with cocaine. The impostor was simply looking for someone anxious and desperate enough, using Denise Milani as bait, to be a drug "mule". Poor Prof. Frampton was detained and arrested in Buenos Aires. While the court believed he was scammed by someone online, his lawyers could not convince them he was an innocent victim who had been "roped" into drug smuggling (apparently there were some questionable text messages sent by him to the person he believed was Milani). The professor was sentenced to 4 years and 8 months, and will not be released until May, 2014. Sadly, this proves once again that IQ level is not any type of protection against frauds and scams that are aimed at your emotions.

I have to admit that when I see or hear these stories, and the way they grab headlines, I'm somewhat perturbed. Obviously, I'm angry that these scams continue to go on and the perps are rarely, if ever, caught. But, I have a limited amount of sympathy for people like the professor (whose close friend had tried to warn him in advance) or Manti Te'o, the football player. Then there's Angie, the lady who got taken for $187,000 and was shown concrete evidence that she was being scammed when she appeared on the Dr. Phil show and refused to believe it. My reason for feeling this way is simple. These same scams and frauds, with only slight variations, have existed almost from the very beginning of online dating and social networking websites which means there is a ton of history and information available, such as my book, for people to see and use to protect themselves and don't.

Another thing that disturbs me is the way the negative stories of online dating are publicized, sensationalized, and scandalized. And now we have a "Catfish" TV show, to boot. One of my favorite sportswriters once wrote in his column, "...proving once again that bad news will always trump good news". I suppose the same thing could be applied to this topic, as well. But what is almost never written about is the wonderful success stories that have happened because of online dating sites and how many people have gone on to live happily ever after. I can truly say that in my years of utilizing dating sites the number of great people I have met far surpasses the number of not-so-great ones.

Here are some more things to consider to keep those "catfish" from biting you!

1 - Be cautious if there is significant distance between you and the other person.  Because the Internet, for now, allows for almost total anonymity someone can tell you they are from anywhere in the world. There is also little that can be done to authenticate whether someone is real and sincere ahead of meeting them in person (regardless of the "proof" they offer to provide you). I recommend that before you go jetting off to some exotic or romantic location to meet someone that you consider this idea: Suggest they meet you somewhere in the "middle". For example, let's say you live in New York and they claim to be in San Francisco. Set up a firm date and time and tell them, "Ok, I'll meet you under the Arch in St. Louis". The reason is simple. Their desire to meet you should be every bit as strong as your desire to meet them. Plus, your first-time meeting with anyone should always be in a neutral location. The best relationships have at their core the capability of both people to meet each other halfway. What better way to start then, "Meet Me in St. Louis".

2 - Limit the amount of time you spend communicating with someone before meeting in person.  While it can be incredibly exciting to get each new email, text message, or phone call there comes a point in time where arranging to meet in person should become a requirement. If indeed someone is trying to scam you, the longer you draw out those types of communications means the scammer can learn more intimate details about you which they will use to gain more of an advantage. For example, you may reveal a little detail about yourself that, on the surface, seems completely innocent or harmless. It could be something you told them like how much you love seeing palm trees swaying in a tropical breeze. What you will see then is a message that might say, "I was out walking my dog today and I saw some beautiful palm trees and I couldn't help but think of you and how much I wish we were together" (a dead giveaway would be if the person has indicated they are from Alaska. Don't laugh, this has actually happened). Of course, the idea is that your heart will melt and you will become even more taken in and vulnerable.

3 - There are NO circumstances or situations that should require you to do ANYTHING that involves money.  Splitting the check at a restaurant or bar is one thing, but at the exact moment that the person you are communicating with, and haven't met yet, brings up the subject of money in any way, shape, or form you need to hear the fire sirens! This is the absolute, ultimate "red flag" warning sign. Immediately end all contact with this person and do whatever you have to do to "delete" or "block" them from any further correspondence or communications.

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

Sushi Is Better Than "Catfish"

On a recent trip to Florida, I was reading the magazine published by the airline I was flying. In it was a full-size, two page advertisement for a company and their website called, “It’s Just Lunch – Dating for Busy Professionals” (IJL). According to the ad they combine the process of signing up for an Internet dating site with a face-to-face interview with all of their clients. The interview serves the dual purpose of getting a feel for your personality and preferences along with learning the specific criteria you have for a “match”. The ad also contained a “Q & A” with someone who is a “dating expert” (i.e. matchmaker). It also provided some statistical data about dating “trends” they say came from a survey of over 5000 single men and women. They have offices in over 150 cities worldwide, have been in business for over 20 years, and claim to have arranged over 2 million first dates. I was intrigued and found this to be an interesting concept that, on the surface, makes a lot of sense for a couple of reasons.

For one thing, many people complain that using online dating sites can be very time-consuming. It’s true that using the various search tools that sites provide, looking at pictures, and reading profiles may take a lot of your time. The amount of emailing and instant messaging/texting you like to do, in order to get to know someone before meeting them in person, can also require some amount of time. With IJL’s process you are simply notified they have matched you with someone, based on yours and the other person’s criteria, for a first date.

Many people using Internet dating/social networking websites to meet people can believe they are creating, forming, or already have a relationship with someone when utilizing the Internet or phone before actually meeting in person (what happened to Manti Te’o, the Notre dame football player is a classic example of this). It’s under these circumstances that people who are “catfishing” can take advantage of someone. Since they require all of their clients to come in for a face-to-face interview at some point, IJL just about eliminates suspicion as to whether someone is fake, a scam artist, or not being completely honest on their profile. By signing up with them, at the very least you will be meeting a “real” person.

I found the results of their survey to be “interesting”, as well. The first question they asked was, On a first date, how much time do you need before you decide if you want to see your date again? The highest percentage of their responses (78%) fell within a range of 20 minutes to an hour for them to know if they wanted to have a second date. Most of the people I have met personally through online dating say they know within 5 minutes or less. Which is more important to you on a first date? is the second question they asked. Your answer was to select between ”chemistry” or “compatibility”. Chemistry was chosen by 66% of the respondents, while compatibility was chosen 34% of the time. Based on the people I have met and the numerous profiles I have read, I tend to believe the “chemistry” percentage is actually much higher. If you can’t pass the chemistry test, then most likely you won’t be taking the compatibility test. The third question is, What is the most important component of compatibility on a first date? The responses were: 36% for “easy conversation”, 30% for “shared outlook on life”, 20% for “similar personal styles and habits”, and 14% for “physical comfort with each other”. Again, based on my experiences and meeting people, chemistry or physical attraction rules the day when it comes to that first date. If the chemistry is there, it’s amazing how easy the conversation flows, how much you seem to have in common, and how comfortable you are with someone.

While the happiest, healthiest, and best relationships absolutely have the foundation of compatibility, humans are “hardwired” for instantly determining physical attraction. There has not been a process or method developed that I know of, that can serve as a predictor of chemistry between two people. I’m also curious, and maybe even a bit skeptical, as to how a “dating expert” really functions when it comes to matching you with someone. The big upside to a site like IJL is that their in-person interview process authenticates and verifies each user. If I were to ever create an online dating website, I would want it to have that capability even though it would come at a relatively high cost. My goal would be to make Internet dating much more of a worry-free environment, less stressful, and a pleasant, happy experience.

IJL is considered a premium site and therefore has higher membership fees than most other dating sites much the same way that sushi is considered a delicacy and is therefore more expensive than catfish. If you are considering joining their site, I suggest that you Google them beforehand to learn the details of what the site offers and see what others have to say about their experiences using it.

Some more thoughts I’d like to pass along:

1 – Compatibility is absolutely essential for a happy, healthy long-term relationship. Some dating websites want to entice you with the idea that their “process” is all about matching you with people you are compatible with. They base this on your answers to a variety of questions. But there simply is no way to know in advance if you are truly compatible with someone until you meet each other in person, communicate face-to-face, and then spend quality time together.

2 – Chemistry comes before compatibility. It can be easy to think you are creating a relationship online before you ever meet someone in person. But until you actually sit with someone, and look into each other’s eyes, there is no way to know if there is really a “connection” or if you are taking the first steps toward a long-term and meaningful relationship.

3 – Meeting in person is the only way to know. If you’ve begun communicating with someone via the Internet or phone, try to minimize the amount of time you spend doing it. If you feel an attraction, politely suggest that you’d like to meet in person as soon as possible. Very few quality relationships have ever evolved from long, drawn-out Internet or phone conversations.

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com