Is It Time For Some "Spring Cleaning"?

Spring is a favorite season for many people. It's a time of renewal when temperatures are warming, flowers begin blooming, the leaves and grass become green again, and we begin to think more about outdoor activities. It's said that Spring is also the season where our thoughts turn more to love and romance. Spring is also the time we know as the season for cleaning.

Perhaps Spring is also a time to do some "cleaning" when it comes to our Internet dating profile. Maybe it's a time for you to go back and review your dating profile with a "fresh set of eyes".  For example, you may want to update your activities or maybe you have discovered a new-found interest that you would like to share. Have you taken some pictures recently that might give your profile a fresh, new look? There are several things you can do that may bring new "visitors" to your profile and liven up your online dating experience.

Here are some tips for doing a "Spring cleaning" on your dating profile:

1 - Add new pictures and delete old ones.  The simple truth is that pictures generate more interest than any other element of your dating profile. You may have even said to yourself on occasion "I'm so tired of seeing the same people and the same old faces". Freshen up your profile with new pictures that show you as up close and clearly as possible. While you may have "group" or "activity" shots that look great, the viewer doesn't want to try and pick you out of a crowd. Your dating profile also isn't the best place for a "family album" or "travel brochure".

2 - "Honesty is the best policy".  I know, a tired old cliche, but a valuable point to always remember. The one word that appears in more profiles than any other I have seen, when someone is describing the type of person or relationship they hope to find, is "honesty". Not being completely honest and truthful about yourself and your life just doesn't make any sense. Clean up the things where you may have "bent" or "stretched" the truth. You are going to meet someone in person at some point for what you hope could be the start of a new life. Think how you would feel or react if you discovered some level of dishonesty or even a flat-out lie.

3 - Do some proofreading and editing.  One of the things that will jump out at someone reading your profile is if it contains grammar or spelling mistakes. Spellcheck is one of the most valuable tools on your computer and a great way to "spruce up" your profile. If the site(s) you are utilizing doesn't offer it, then compose your profile somewhere that does. Simply copy and paste it into the appropriate place after you've finished. It's a little detail that can make a big difference.

4 - Is your profile easy to read?  One of the best things you can do is create a profile narrative that "flows". We live in an age where we want our information as simply and as quickly as possible. You want to avoid having a profile where the reader starts to "scan" with their eyes and stops reading. Perhaps one way to view writing your profile is to think "pamphlet". My book describes a 3 paragraph method for writing a profile that works perfectly for you and the reader, and you can clean out anything that's not really necessary.

5 - Maybe a friend could help.  Any kind of cleaning chore is never a lot of fun. But it may go easier if you have a friend to help you along the way. Have someone that knows you well and can be somewhat objective view your profile and pictures. Friends have a tendency to see us a bit differently than we see ourselves and may offer you great advice for what you should include or remove from your profile and the pictures you should use.

Are there any other things you could do to give your profile a "Spring cleaning"?

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

Will That "First Date" Also Be a "Last Date"?

With how big Internet dating has grown and become such a prominent part of so many of our lives, it stands to reason there would also be a huge growth in the number of ways to find information and advice on how to be a successful user of those websites. In my desire to help people, I continually search for various advice columns, blogs, videos, etc., along with sharing my personal experiences, to find things I can pass along to make the process go smoother and easier.

I recently came across a dating advice column written by a lady named Erika Ettin. She is the founder of "A Little Nudge", and she listed several things you want to avoid doing on a first date (you may want to avoid several of these things on ANY date, regardless of the ”number”). Many of these “tips” don’t need a lot of explanation and are really just common sense. It’s also worth remembering that old cliche: "You only get one chance to make a first impression".

Here is the list (Erika’s remarks appear in italic) with some of my personal thoughts added:

1 – Having your phone out or texting.  “It doesn’t get worse than this. Nothing screams “I’m waiting for something better to come up” than a cell phone on the table waiting to be answered. A corollary to this one is actually answering your phone on the date. Try (as hard as it may be) to put your phone in your bag or your pocket for the entirety of the date”.  It’s almost become “standard procedure” to have an “emergency” or “bail-out” call set up ahead of time, but once you are comfortable and feel safe, put the phone away and show the other person the courtesy of your undivided attention.

2 – First date sex.  “For men, it makes you look like you only want one thing (and maybe you do). For women, it makes you look easy”. While either or both of you may have those thoughts running wild in your brain, give those hormones a rest. It’s assumed that one reason you are meeting this person is because there is some level of sexual attraction. Showing respect to the other person means a great deal.

3 – Talking about your ex.  “If you say nice things about your ex, it looks like you’re still not over him/her. And if you say bad things, it looks like you’re still not over him/her and you’re bitter. Lose, lose. Plus, people don’t want to feel like they are being compared to someone else on the first date (or ever, for that matter)”.

4 – Being late (more than 15 minutes).  “People run late – it happens. But if it does, please call to let your date know before the start of the date. Texting is insufficient”. This is nothing more than common courtesy.

5 – Being rude (to a server).  “No snapping your fingers, no yelling for the waiter or waitress, and no treating the servers like second-class citizens. Red flag!” How we interact with other people says a lot about who we are and goes a long way toward the type of impression we are making.

6 – Drinking too much.  “People have a tendency to divulge secrets or commit dating no-no #2 (or likely both) when too much alcohol is involved. Don’t let it be you”. It could also result in you committing a lot of other dating “no-nos” and look bad doing it.

7 – Splitting the bill or letting the woman pay.  “You remember the game of “pick-up check.” The guy should pay on a first date. Whether you like each other or not, it’s still a date after all, and chivalry is not dead”. Personally, I always offer to grab the check first, but I have been on dates where the lady was adamant and insisted on splitting the bill. It’s also not necessary nor worth it to make a big scene about who pays.

8 – Work talk.  “It’s certainly ok to discuss work, but not for the entire date, especially if you don’t like your job”.
  
9 – Mother talk.  “Leave your mom out of the date. Especially for men, it may make you look like a bit of a mama’s boy”.  This will also depend on how you feel about your mother. It could come out worse if you start bad-mouthing her. The same could be said for “Father talk”. You don’t want to make a guy feel like he has to compete for “pedestal” space.

10 – Talking about marriage.  “Great – you like each other! The last thing you want to do is to bring up marriage and scare the other person away. (The same goes for talking about, or naming, your future children)”.  If you are seeking a long-term relationship, it’s ok to broach the subject to see how the other person reacts, but let it go until a much later time after that.

Here are some other things to be aware of that are mostly self-explanatory:  Bad breath, Lousy tipping, Talking too much about yourself, Being “fake” or not being yourself, Smoking (if its not known beforehand).

Is there anything you would add to this list?

To learn more about Erika Ettin and A Little Nudge, you can visit her website:  http://www.alittlenudge.com/

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

"Niches" Are Getting Nich-ier!

A news item I saw the other day about an Internet dating site got my attention, aroused my curiosity, and got me to thinking about the many "niche" dating sites that are available. It seems there are new sites being created all the time and the niches are getting smaller.

So I watched this 2-3 minute news video about a site called MeetAtTheAirport.com. It gave a short description of the concept behind the site ("Share a drink with an attractive stranger in the totally safe environment of a public airport"), along with a ranking of the 5 best airports in the USA for meeting a date. The airports ranked were #5 - Philadelphia, #4 - Boston, #3 - Newark, #2 - Miami, and #1 - Orlando. The rankings were based on such things as amenities, ambiance, and weather delays (what better way to get to know someone than over a nice drink while waiting out a long delay). This particular site claims to have 60,000 registered users. To give you some idea how small or "niche" that is, the biggest dating sites have registered users that number well into the millions. Here is their link if you are interested or curious as to how this site works:  http://meetattheairport.com/

While I have been utilizing Internet dating sites for several years, personally I have never felt the need to use those that fall into the niche category (sites that focus on a particular segment of your life) and have always used the larger, "general" dating sites. I suppose that's because I have a variety of interests and activities which I don't think are considered different or unusual, nor are they a prerequisite for my next relationship. For example, I grew up in the Philadelphia area and I am a big fan of those sports teams. But it's certainly not a "dealbreaker" if my next partner doesn't share the same passion (well maybe if she roots for the Mets). I like to think I have a compromising or "trade-off" type of personality. For instance, if I can watch a ballgame then I am more than willing and happy to attend things like craft shows, museums, live theatre, hear someone's favorite performer in concert, or whatever. I also think that with the right person it would be fun to create new interests or activities together. My feeling is the activity, belief, or interest is secondary to sharing quality time together. Enjoying each other's company, no matter what you are doing, is a big part of the recipe for compatibility.

I get how someone has parts of their life they want, or even need, their next partner to share with them. Having a similar occupation, religion, or maybe the same interest in something on your "bucket list" are things you may feel are essential for your next relationship. Perhaps if you are a single parent, you'd like to meet someone who is in the same situation. In reading so many profiles I have discovered that "baby-boomers" are more specific about lifestyle, activities, interests, and what they desire as they move into the retirement phase of their lives. It would seem they are winding down from all of the hard work and daily grind. And with their priorities changing, they are focusing on activities, interests, type of social life they hope to enjoy, and of course romance as they look forward. For those people a niche dating site would certainly be worth considering. Beginning a new relationship with having something so much in common can be a great way to get started.

There is a wide variety of niche dating sites and their number continues to increase. We are pretty much at the point where you can do a "Google" search like "(fill in the blank) dating" and find exactly what you're looking for or something close to it. If not, just be patient, one will be coming online soon enough!

Here is a small sample list of what's available to give you some idea:

1 - A ranking/rating website for "Niche" dating sites may be a good place to start.  NicheDating.org is an "index" type of website dedicated to listing, describing, and reviewing the multitude of niche dating sites that are available. They offer a wide variety of categories for you to browse, along with comments and remarks. It's a well-designed site with easy navigation. Here is their link:  http://www.nichedating.org/

2 - Are you a lover of all things "Horses"?  A site called EquestrianCupid.com is dedicated to folks whose lives revolve around horses and may be just what you are looking for. It offers all of the essential services you would want from a dating site but is a bit "pricey" for membership. Here is their link:  http://www.equestriancupid.com/

3 - Do you think of yourself as being a "Geek"?  A site called "Geek 2 Geek" may fit your needs. It was also voted "Best Niche Dating Site for 2012" by About.com.  Here is their link:  http://www.gk2gk.com/

4 - Is a "Vegan" lifestyle important to you?  There are a few websites dedicated to the vegetarian way of life. VeggieDate.org is one of them. This site was a finalist for "Best Niche Dating Site for 2013" by iDateAwards.com. Here is their link:  http://www.veggiedate.org/

5 - Are you more of a "Homebody" than anything else?  There is a site called Kwink.com that is a type of "umbrella" site that lists a large variety of niches for you to browse. Their definition of "kwink" is: "A kwink is a trait that best defines you. It may be a passion, lifestyle, deviation, or affliction". The link for the homepage is:  http://www.kwink.com/. For anything specific you can do a "search" on their site. For example, if you are indeed a "Homebody", here's the link for that:  http://www.kwink.com/dating-community/homebody

This is just a tiny sample of what is available in the "niche" dating world. To find whatever it is you would be looking for is easily searched and found. You may want to keep in mind though, that with niche dating sites you will have a significantly smaller number of potential "prospects". The trade-off is that the people you do find will share the same passion, interest, and enthusiasm in something as you.

Have you considered trying a niche dating site? Are you already a member of one?

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

"Catfish" Can Also BITE!

So, another week goes by and we have a new "catfish" story. Not only that, it seems each new story that is exposed has an added twist. This one involves a highly educated professor and theoretical particle physicist from the University of North Carolina named Paul Frampton and world famous Czech bikini model Denise Milani.

Denise Milani

The story goes something like this: The recently divorced and lonely Professor Frampton was conned by an impostor into believing he was chatting with Denise Milani, whom he "met" through an online dating site in November, 2011. The impostor apparently convinced the 68-year-old Prof. Frampton that she (Milani) also wanted to quit her glamorous model life and marry him. After repeated attempts to reach her by phone had failed, he was told to fly to Bolivia and meet her during a photo shoot. Of course, when he arrived she was not there. She then contacted him and said she had to leave quickly for another shoot in Brussels and he could just meet her there. And oh, by the way, could he grab a bag that she had left behind and bring it with him which he agreed to do. Pretty simple, right? Except it may have turned out to be the biggest mistake Prof. Frampton has ever made in his life. The bag he was asked to carry along was lined with cocaine. The impostor was simply looking for someone anxious and desperate enough, using Denise Milani as bait, to be a drug "mule". Poor Prof. Frampton was detained and arrested in Buenos Aires. While the court believed he was scammed by someone online, his lawyers could not convince them he was an innocent victim who had been "roped" into drug smuggling (apparently there were some questionable text messages sent by him to the person he believed was Milani). The professor was sentenced to 4 years and 8 months, and will not be released until May, 2014. Sadly, this proves once again that IQ level is not any type of protection against frauds and scams that are aimed at your emotions.

I have to admit that when I see or hear these stories, and the way they grab headlines, I'm somewhat perturbed. Obviously, I'm angry that these scams continue to go on and the perps are rarely, if ever, caught. But, I have a limited amount of sympathy for people like the professor (whose close friend had tried to warn him in advance) or Manti Te'o, the football player. Then there's Angie, the lady who got taken for $187,000 and was shown concrete evidence that she was being scammed when she appeared on the Dr. Phil show and refused to believe it. My reason for feeling this way is simple. These same scams and frauds, with only slight variations, have existed almost from the very beginning of online dating and social networking websites which means there is a ton of history and information available, such as my book, for people to see and use to protect themselves and don't.

Another thing that disturbs me is the way the negative stories of online dating are publicized, sensationalized, and scandalized. And now we have a "Catfish" TV show, to boot. One of my favorite sportswriters once wrote in his column, "...proving once again that bad news will always trump good news". I suppose the same thing could be applied to this topic, as well. But what is almost never written about is the wonderful success stories that have happened because of online dating sites and how many people have gone on to live happily ever after. I can truly say that in my years of utilizing dating sites the number of great people I have met far surpasses the number of not-so-great ones.

Here are some more things to consider to keep those "catfish" from biting you!

1 - Be cautious if there is significant distance between you and the other person.  Because the Internet, for now, allows for almost total anonymity someone can tell you they are from anywhere in the world. There is also little that can be done to authenticate whether someone is real and sincere ahead of meeting them in person (regardless of the "proof" they offer to provide you). I recommend that before you go jetting off to some exotic or romantic location to meet someone that you consider this idea: Suggest they meet you somewhere in the "middle". For example, let's say you live in New York and they claim to be in San Francisco. Set up a firm date and time and tell them, "Ok, I'll meet you under the Arch in St. Louis". The reason is simple. Their desire to meet you should be every bit as strong as your desire to meet them. Plus, your first-time meeting with anyone should always be in a neutral location. The best relationships have at their core the capability of both people to meet each other halfway. What better way to start then, "Meet Me in St. Louis".

2 - Limit the amount of time you spend communicating with someone before meeting in person.  While it can be incredibly exciting to get each new email, text message, or phone call there comes a point in time where arranging to meet in person should become a requirement. If indeed someone is trying to scam you, the longer you draw out those types of communications means the scammer can learn more intimate details about you which they will use to gain more of an advantage. For example, you may reveal a little detail about yourself that, on the surface, seems completely innocent or harmless. It could be something you told them like how much you love seeing palm trees swaying in a tropical breeze. What you will see then is a message that might say, "I was out walking my dog today and I saw some beautiful palm trees and I couldn't help but think of you and how much I wish we were together" (a dead giveaway would be if the person has indicated they are from Alaska. Don't laugh, this has actually happened). Of course, the idea is that your heart will melt and you will become even more taken in and vulnerable.

3 - There are NO circumstances or situations that should require you to do ANYTHING that involves money.  Splitting the check at a restaurant or bar is one thing, but at the exact moment that the person you are communicating with, and haven't met yet, brings up the subject of money in any way, shape, or form you need to hear the fire sirens! This is the absolute, ultimate "red flag" warning sign. Immediately end all contact with this person and do whatever you have to do to "delete" or "block" them from any further correspondence or communications.

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

Sushi Is Better Than "Catfish"

On a recent trip to Florida, I was reading the magazine published by the airline I was flying. In it was a full-size, two page advertisement for a company and their website called, “It’s Just Lunch – Dating for Busy Professionals” (IJL). According to the ad they combine the process of signing up for an Internet dating site with a face-to-face interview with all of their clients. The interview serves the dual purpose of getting a feel for your personality and preferences along with learning the specific criteria you have for a “match”. The ad also contained a “Q & A” with someone who is a “dating expert” (i.e. matchmaker). It also provided some statistical data about dating “trends” they say came from a survey of over 5000 single men and women. They have offices in over 150 cities worldwide, have been in business for over 20 years, and claim to have arranged over 2 million first dates. I was intrigued and found this to be an interesting concept that, on the surface, makes a lot of sense for a couple of reasons.

For one thing, many people complain that using online dating sites can be very time-consuming. It’s true that using the various search tools that sites provide, looking at pictures, and reading profiles may take a lot of your time. The amount of emailing and instant messaging/texting you like to do, in order to get to know someone before meeting them in person, can also require some amount of time. With IJL’s process you are simply notified they have matched you with someone, based on yours and the other person’s criteria, for a first date.

Many people using Internet dating/social networking websites to meet people can believe they are creating, forming, or already have a relationship with someone when utilizing the Internet or phone before actually meeting in person (what happened to Manti Te’o, the Notre dame football player is a classic example of this). It’s under these circumstances that people who are “catfishing” can take advantage of someone. Since they require all of their clients to come in for a face-to-face interview at some point, IJL just about eliminates suspicion as to whether someone is fake, a scam artist, or not being completely honest on their profile. By signing up with them, at the very least you will be meeting a “real” person.

I found the results of their survey to be “interesting”, as well. The first question they asked was, On a first date, how much time do you need before you decide if you want to see your date again? The highest percentage of their responses (78%) fell within a range of 20 minutes to an hour for them to know if they wanted to have a second date. Most of the people I have met personally through online dating say they know within 5 minutes or less. Which is more important to you on a first date? is the second question they asked. Your answer was to select between ”chemistry” or “compatibility”. Chemistry was chosen by 66% of the respondents, while compatibility was chosen 34% of the time. Based on the people I have met and the numerous profiles I have read, I tend to believe the “chemistry” percentage is actually much higher. If you can’t pass the chemistry test, then most likely you won’t be taking the compatibility test. The third question is, What is the most important component of compatibility on a first date? The responses were: 36% for “easy conversation”, 30% for “shared outlook on life”, 20% for “similar personal styles and habits”, and 14% for “physical comfort with each other”. Again, based on my experiences and meeting people, chemistry or physical attraction rules the day when it comes to that first date. If the chemistry is there, it’s amazing how easy the conversation flows, how much you seem to have in common, and how comfortable you are with someone.

While the happiest, healthiest, and best relationships absolutely have the foundation of compatibility, humans are “hardwired” for instantly determining physical attraction. There has not been a process or method developed that I know of, that can serve as a predictor of chemistry between two people. I’m also curious, and maybe even a bit skeptical, as to how a “dating expert” really functions when it comes to matching you with someone. The big upside to a site like IJL is that their in-person interview process authenticates and verifies each user. If I were to ever create an online dating website, I would want it to have that capability even though it would come at a relatively high cost. My goal would be to make Internet dating much more of a worry-free environment, less stressful, and a pleasant, happy experience.

IJL is considered a premium site and therefore has higher membership fees than most other dating sites much the same way that sushi is considered a delicacy and is therefore more expensive than catfish. If you are considering joining their site, I suggest that you Google them beforehand to learn the details of what the site offers and see what others have to say about their experiences using it.

Some more thoughts I’d like to pass along:

1 – Compatibility is absolutely essential for a happy, healthy long-term relationship. Some dating websites want to entice you with the idea that their “process” is all about matching you with people you are compatible with. They base this on your answers to a variety of questions. But there simply is no way to know in advance if you are truly compatible with someone until you meet each other in person, communicate face-to-face, and then spend quality time together.

2 – Chemistry comes before compatibility. It can be easy to think you are creating a relationship online before you ever meet someone in person. But until you actually sit with someone, and look into each other’s eyes, there is no way to know if there is really a “connection” or if you are taking the first steps toward a long-term and meaningful relationship.

3 – Meeting in person is the only way to know. If you’ve begun communicating with someone via the Internet or phone, try to minimize the amount of time you spend doing it. If you feel an attraction, politely suggest that you’d like to meet in person as soon as possible. Very few quality relationships have ever evolved from long, drawn-out Internet or phone conversations.

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

"Catfish" - IQ vs. BP

More and more of us are tuning into the MTV reality show Catfish every week. The basic premise of the show is to follow people who have established communications, and believe they have created a “connection”, by way of online dating/social networking websites. The main feature of the show is what results when the two people are finally able to meet in person, face-to-face for the very first time. The show’s popularity is such that new episodes are scheduled for next year. Many TV networks have their own variety of shows in the “reality” genre and are constantly exploring possibilities for new ones. It seems we can’t get enough of how people cope or deal with what happens when they are put into unique situations (regardless of whether those situations are real or contrived). I suppose it touches the same nerve that won’t let us take our eyes off a bad car accident.

What Catfish brings to light is the people who have created fake identities on the Internet and are looking to take advantage of other users. Their motives can range anywhere from simply seeking attention all the way to outright extortion. The show also reveals the anger, disappointment, and/or heartbreak of the victims once they discover they have been duped or scammed. Once the truth comes out, viewers immediately bring into question the victim’s intelligence. The reality is that overall intelligence has little, if anything, to do with being “catfished”. I know of several instances where someone who has a normal or even high IQ has been victimized in some way by ”catfishing”.

On his show this past week Dr. Phil had a guest named “Angie” (Feb. 20th, 2013. You can view it on Dr. Phil’s website). I watched this show closely and by all accounts, Angie seemed to be a perfectly normal and reasonably intelligent lady. Angie got herself tangled up with a guy named “Danny” through the Internet. In a nutshell, this person calling himself Danny (who claimed to be in South Africa on a construction project), had won her over to the point where Angie cashed in her children’s life insurance policy and sold her grandmother’s diamond ring so she could send him money. The grand total came to $187,000. Dr Phil read that amount out loud and the studio audience gasped in disbelief. Dr. Phil’s investigative staff was able to uncover information about Danny and prove that everything he had told Angie was a lie and whatever documentation he had provided her was fake (it’s evidence that would hold up in a court of law). Even in the face of all this, Angie was undeterred and insisted Danny was real. You can see the audience just look on in horror as she continues to defend Danny and, in spite of what she’s being told, still believe there’s going to be a happy ending. I imagine we will be seeing more shows like this in the near future because of the popularity of Catfish and the headlines made by Manti Te’o (the Notre Dame football player hoaxed by a man posing as a woman).

As humans we are “ruled by our emotions”. Time and again we find ourselves in situations where we have let our emotions overwhelm our common sense and logic. It’s part of our makeup and an internal battle that we constantly wage, particularly when it comes to choices or decisions. Feeling connected or sharing a bond with other humans is also an essential part of our lives. This is even more true when it comes to someone that we believe could potentially become our “soulmate”. We can be so anxious to have that person in our lives, that all too frequently we are willing to “suspend reality” (or worse) in order to make it happen. It is these very emotions that the catfish people use to their own advantage. It can become extremely difficult to let your IQ take over when your heart is racing.

Here are some more tips to protect yourself from “catfishing”:

1 – Watch for ANY mention of “foreign country”. The catfish people may use an American city to indicate where they are supposedly from, but will then add that at the moment they are “temporarily” in a foreign country for reasons like a job of some kind or tending to a sick or older relative. This is an instant warning sign or ”red flag”. If you continue communicating with someone like this, you might ask them simple questions to determine their validity. For example, I recently read where a lady was talking with someone who claimed to be from St. Louis. When she asked him if he had ever seen or visited the “Arch”, he had no clue what she was talking about. Goodbye!

2 – Their correspondence goes WAY overboard with emotions and flattery. They like to fill their emails to you with words, quotes, and expressions that are so “over the top” that not even Hallmark would consider using them. If their very first email to you reads something like, “I fell deeply in love with you the moment I saw your picture and know we are meant for each other through eternity” and your heart starts beating rapidly, take a step back, a deep breath, and maybe a cold shower.

3 – They reveal that they are dealing with a dire or desperate financial situation. This is no doubt the biggest “red flag” of them all! The instant the word “money” is introduced in any form to your conversation, RUN away. Don’t walk and do not hesitate for a moment to close the conversation. Delete anything and everything related to that person. If you have given out your phone number, DO NOT take any more calls from them EVER, and if they insist on trying to contact you incessantly, you may have to consider changing your number. This also holds true for email addresses and/or being contacted through a website.

Your most valuable asset is your IQ. Use it wisely and often so your pounding heartbeat doesn’t take over and let you make a mistake you will regret like Angie!

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com

Don't Be a "Catfish" Star!

Have you watched the new MTV reality show Catfish yet? It debuted on November 12, 2012 and has become very popular. If you have not seen or heard about it the basic premise of the show is arranging for people to finally meet one another face-to-face, who up until that very moment, have only known each other through the use of online dating/social networking websites and/or telephone, and believe they have a "relationship". The show then let's the viewer see the immediate reaction of the two people meeting for the very first time and the results. The end of the show follows up on the people, the decisions both have made, and how they will move forward based on their meeting. Each episode has it's own unique conclusions.

The title for the show comes from the term "catfish" (which are "bottom feeders") and has become a part of the online dating lexicon. It means someone who creates a fake profile/identity online and pretends to be someone they are not. They almost always use someone else's pictures and the rest of their profile might also belong to someone else or they simply invent one. For the person who is using an "alter ego" they are said to be "catfishing". When the victim discovers the other person is a fake, they are said to have been "catfished". While the TV show has only been on for about four months now, and new episodes will be filmed this coming year, catfishing is something that has been going on since the inception of online dating and social networking websites. The Internet and computer allow for a certain level of anonymity and the catfishing people know that identity verification is next to impossible.

I readily admit to being a catfish victim more than once when I first began utilizing dating sites to meet people. I admit to being somewhat gullible, naive, and vulnerable back then, too. For example, I had this foolish notion that everyone that used dating sites would abide by some kind of "honor code". I was lucky in the sense that none of the people ever extorted money from me. Back in 2003, I was crazy about one girl I only "knew" through pictures, computer, and lots of phone time. I was completely "taken" with her and desperately wanted us to meet in person. We arranged three separate dates to meet and she stood me up all three times. Her tales of woe were similar to what many of the catfish people use even now and I had completely bought into it right up to my neck. I even went as far as to offer her money just so we could meet. For reasons I've never fully understood, or what her motivations were, she refused my offers and we never did meet. She eventually just vanished and I was heartbroken. But I certainly became more aware and along with my other experiences, gained valuable insight. I have certainly learned not to fall off any cliffs until I meet someone in person.

Another lady I did meet, and we became friends, tried to create her own method of identity verification. Her idea was to have any guy that contacted her turn on their webcam right from the get-go. If she was told, "I don't have one", "It's not working", or "I don't have it hooked up" her response to that was, "Until you do and I can see who you are don't bother me anymore". With many of the laptops and devices we have today, webcam functionality is built into them. While this isn't exactly the "be-all, end-all" as far as online dating protection and security goes, perhaps it's a step worth considering before you go over the top or find yourself ready to leap off the edge of that cliff. Maybe this step might have prevented Manti Te'o (the Notre Dame football player), from being catfished by a man posing as a woman and making national headlines. Or maybe Dr. Phil would not have had a two-part show interviewing the man who was pulling off the hoax.

While using online dating sites can present a unique set of challenges, it is absolutely possible to meet the person of your dreams and be everything you have always hoped. There are millions of people who use the sites every day who are real, honest, and sincere. Yes, the bottom-feeding "catfish" people are lurking out there somewhere in the cyberworld, and for now you need to be on your toes and alert for that. Unless you want your 15 minutes of fame to be the star of an episode of Catfish, heed the warning signs or "red flags". They really aren't that difficult to detect if you know what to look for and don't allow your emotions to overwhelm you.

Here are some of the easy things to consider:

1 - The distance between you and the other person. Whether they claim to be an American citizen "stuck" in a foreign country or simply located where you need to get on a plane in order to meet in person, be wary. Using the cover of distance (whether real or made up) is one way they can prolong the "relationship" on the computer or phone and maintain their "secret identity". The reason is they know you can't be spontaneous and just drop by or invite them for a "spur of the moment" meeting at your favorite little pub on the way home from work for Happy Hour.

2 - Try the webcam "trick". It's an easy one to do and webcams are much more readily available and easily used nowadays. Insist that they appear right at that moment or not contact you again. If they are reluctant to do this, won't cooperate, or give you nothing but excuses you should start being cautious and thinking "red flag". Of course, this doesn't mean they can't grab their sister, brother, or whatever to pose as them, but you might find out quickly enough everything you need to know for avoiding big problems down the road.

3 - Stay cool under pressure. The catfish people know all of the buttons to push and will try right away to figure out which ones are yours. Once they believe they have them figured out they will continually emphasize or revert to those things during your conversations. The most important thing to do is maintain your cool and let your ability to think things through clearly take over. Some things really are just too good to be true.

"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let's Meet Our Match - Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com