You find yourself “unattached” and single again. Are you happy, sad, or angry? Are you feeling relieved and looking forward to the rest of your life or feeling depressed, fearful, and lonely? Do you feel lost and ask yourself, “Now what do I do?”
We can have a wide array of emotions once we move on from a relationship. One extreme is that it’s a new lease on life and a major step toward a new beginning. The polar opposite is that it can feel like the world has ended. In most cases, we fall somewhere between those extremes. Many of us can also bounce back and forth between varying degrees of positve, upbeat feelings one day and negative, depressing emotions the next. How you react or respond will vary based on what events took place and how they led to the ending of your relationship. You can also add to the “mix” your own level of self-esteem, self-confidence, and ego. Certainly, the death of a spouse or “significant other”, be it sudden or otherwise, is different and will have its own set of emotions.
Before taking that big first step of entering into the dating world you need to take “inventory” of your emotions and determine if you are truly ready to start all over. It is vitally important to know if you are indeed focused on going forward and prepared to welcome someone new into your life . It’s a given that the older we are, the more history we have. At the same time, no one expects you to simply hit the “erase” button and wipe away all of your memories. What IS the most important thing is how you are coping with the events that took place and this change in your life.
During my own journey through the world of Internet dating, I have met women that were just not ready. One lady I communicated with several times, by phone and computer, seemed excited and anxious to meet me in person. We made arrangements to meet and within 5 minutes of being seated and having our drinks she began to cry. I knew from her online profile she was a widow. But, she had assured me she had moved past the stages of grieving and mourning. It was painfully obvious that this was not the case. I truly felt sympathy for her. She apologized profusely, but it was easy to see she was really not ready to go forward with her life. After she composed herself we were able to have a conversation. She explained that her friends and family were “encouraging” her to go out and find someone else. The idea being that someone new would make eveything better. While their intentions may be good, it just simply doesn’t work that way.
Everyone needs, and is entitled to, whatever amount of time is necessary to grieve and mourn, whether it be over the death of someone or the end of a relationship. In many cases, the end of a relationship can truly feel like a death. There are no hard and fast “rules” that state how long it should take someone to recover. Some never fully recover at all. The most important point is that before you begin the Internet dating process you need to evaluate and ”take stock” of where you are at the moment, determine whether you are still experiencing too much grief, sorrow and/or anger.
Internet dating sites can make it appear that finding someone new is simple and easy. It can be very tempting to believe starting a new relationship will cure everything. But, you are not being fair to someone who may be looking for a happy, healthy long-term relationship while you are still going through your stages of recovery. The worst dates are when the other person just whines, complains, and drones on about past relationships and all of the misery they have suffered.
Here is a short list of things to do before you venture into the dating world:
1 – Take whatever time you need to sort out your emotions and fully regroup. Only YOU can determine how much time you will need.
2 – Stow away all of that “baggage”, for now. Most likely, the people you meet will also have some of their own. If you should “hit it off” with someone, you will have plenty of time to learn about one another’s past.
3 – Concentrate on being positive and “fun”. You want to present an upbeat outlook and appearance. You are looking for someone to share your new life.
There is a great old cliche that says: “You only get one chance to make a first impression”. Its worth keeping this in mind when you go out to meet someone new.
"I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!"
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