Is Your Profile "Attractive"?

When I am asked for advice, guidance, or suggestions in my role as an Internet dating consultant/advisor, one of the first things I like to do is review someone's entire online dating site profile. Besides looking at their selection of pictures and how they have "filled in the blanks" by utilizing the various formatted options, I am most interested in seeing and reading their profile narrative. I never cease to be amazed at how far too frequently I read profiles that are more focused on trying to prevent contact then they are on welcoming it. When I read one like that, it immediately evokes an image of a security gate and I need to have the right code in order for the gate to open. Obviously, this is what someone is attempting to do when they create that type of profile narrative. I completely get the idea of "security" and/or "prevention". I then discuss with this person that writing something along these lines could be preventing more than just UNwanted contacts. Quite often their response is something like, "It doesn't seem to stop me from getting too many unwanted ones anyway". It's at this point I usually like to ask Dr. Phil's favorite question: "So, how's that workin' for you?"

What also may factor into someone's thinking, when writing that type of profile narrative, is that it could be a way to cut down the amount of time they need to spend utilizing online dating sites. One of the major complaints about dating sites is that using them can be so time-consuming. I realize we live in an age where we now expect everything to be "streamlined" or "instant". In my lifetime so far, I have witnessed all of the incredible technological transformations we have made to even the most simple devices, their functions, and so many elements of our daily lives. There may even come a day when we no longer hear or use the word "patience". For instance, I was recently standing in line (I know. Do you believe it?) waiting to make a purchase when the person ahead of me became annoyed at having to key in a "pin" number after swiping their card. In other words, it seems as if our mindset has evolved from anything that required us to "take our time" has become a "waste of time".

If your written profile narrative, in some form, fits the description I have outlined you should consider a rewrite. While your intent may be to keep some people you would consider undesirable from contacting you, and potentially saving time with less contacts to weed through, there's also an adverse effect. Quite simply, there could be many wonderful "prospects" just passing right by your "security gate" because of how you have worded your profile. Dating sites will allow you to see who has viewed your profile, but it could be the reason they haven't initiated contact and probably won't. You might very well be a terrific partner and make somebody a great companion, but a profile that says, "Do Not Enter" could be keeping the person you are dreaming of from finding out.

For now and the forseeable future the reality is dating sites, and how they function, are going to require you to invest a certain amount of time. There is little or nothing you can say or do with your written profile narrative that will completely "shield" you from unwanted or undesirable contacts (especially if you have attractive pictures). Perhaps one way to save some time is to eliminate responding to anyone that doesn't interest you. It seems that for the most part, this has become an accepted protocol. Should there be any "backlash" from someone by not replying to their interest, you simply ignore it. If they persist, you "block" or "delete" them and can report them to the dating site with a simple "click".

Here are some of my tips for creating an attractive and easy-to-read written profile narrative:

1 - I strongly suggest using a 3-paragraph method.  In my book I describe this method and why it works best. The basic idea is to say a lot by using a minimal amount of words. As I already discussed, we live in an age where everything is more streamlined. People want their information delivered quickly and to the point. If your profile is too lengthy you run the risk of having someone "scan" over it or stop reading entirely. Have you ever read someone's profile and found yourself uttering, "Yada, yada, yada"?

2 - Be positive and "welcoming".  Your profile narrative is not the place to discuss your aggravation, disappointment, or frustration with online dating sites. You also don't want to make it seem that you are "lowering your standards" or "resorting" to using this process. You may not realize it, nor have it be your intention, but by wording your narrative this way you could be offending or even insulting other users. An online dating profile is all about welcoming interest from prospects. The more positive vibes you put out gives you a much better chance of finding your "dream come true".

3 - Most people take the written word "literally".  A tendency for many people, when creating their profile narrative, is to paint a picture of what they want or hope their life will be like with someone new and they will create a type of "wish list". Many "baby-boomer" profiles can read like "bucket lists". While there is nothing wrong with this, per se, you could be creating an image of someone who leads or seeks a "whirlwind" lifestyle that is difficult, if not impossible, to maintain. When people read your profile narrative, chances are they are not going to take the time to "read between the lines". In other words, you could make yourself appear to be someone whose only focus is activities, hobbies, and interests and has no time or availability to cultivate a real relationship.

4 - Before hitting "enter", review, edit, or proofread your profile narrative.  Many people have some degree of difficulty translating their thoughts into written words and get frustrated when attempting to create their profile narrative. A simple "trick", if you get stuck, is to step away for a bit, regroup, and organize your thoughts. Even professional writers will occasionally experience this problem. Go get a cup of coffee, take a walk around the block, or come back the next day. You'll be amazed at how it gets easier with a clearer mind and a fresh set of eyes. The most important thing to remember is that you are sending out a message to attract people and your profile is their first impression of you. Will you be someone that welcomes their interest or someone that tries to avoid it?

“I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!”


Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let’s Meet Our Match – Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com  

Those "Catfish" Are Biting Again!

The MTV production of "Catfish" is back for season #2. (For those of you who may not be familiar with this show, it's premise is finding people that are using online dating and/or social networking websites in the pursuit of romance and a long-term relationship. The show "follows" someone as they communicate with a person they believe is sincere, looking for the same thing, have established a "connection", and taking the steps to ultimately meet in person. The ending of each episode follows what happens when the the two people meet face-to-face for the first time and it's revealed the "other" person is a fake, fraud, or some type of impostor.) This show has become very popular as we get to watch someone experience their shock, disappointment, and heartbreak at the moment they realize they have been scammed. It seems we will never get tired of watching train wrecks, someone get a pie in the face, smoke an exploding cigar, or get squirted with water.

The premiere episode of the second season features a lovely young lady named "Cassie". Cassie had had some tragic experiences in her life. The worst of these was her father had recently been murdered in Haiti. Her way of coping/dealing with this was to throw herself into the party scene. Her best friend "Gladys" became very concerned. Unbeknownst to Cassie, Gladys "created" someone named "Steven" (disguised as a professional musician) to appear on Cassie's Facebook and communicate with her. Gladys' intention was to help Cassie work her way through her traumatic experience and get her life back to normal. As this online "relationship" evolved and a male voice was needed for phone calls and audio chats, Gladys went so far as to recruit her cousin "Tony" to play the part of Steven. In other words, Gladys would be the online Steven and Tony would be the phone/audio Steven. It's apparent this all worked better than Gladys expected as Cassie began getting her life back together. What I don't believe Gladys anticipated was that Cassie would fall in love with Steven and they would become "engaged". Yes, engaged. Amazingly, with only still pictures and no video communication whatsoever, this online "engagement" lasted more than two years, supposedly due to Steven's too busy schedule of touring and writing, before a face-to-face meeting could finally be arranged. The producers of the show investigated Steven and revealed his true identity to Cassie. What you see at the end of the show is Cassie's confrontation with Gladys.

I truly sympathize with Cassie and the immeasurable pain she felt with the terrible loss of her father. I'd also like to believe that Gladys had nothing but the best of intentions when she created "Steven" to nurture Cassie and hopefully alleviate her pain and suffering. But I certainly don't believe creating a fake "love interest" was the way to go. Situations like Cassie's are best left to true professionals who are trained in grief counseling. As her best friend, Gladys should have suggested this even if it became necessary for her to say, "I'll go with you".

I do take a bit of exception with the whole "Catfish" thing TV show. I understand there is more entertainment value in watching human failings and that happy endings only work for Walt Disney movies. I also realize watching a wedding video (unless the bride has a dress malfunction or the groom trips at the altar) isn't nearly as entertaining as seeing the horror on someone's face when, for example, they meet a woman who is supposed to be a guy. "Happily ever after" just isn't as much fun to watch. But the real truth about online dating sites is that polls and statistics indicate more long-term relationships and marriages are being created every day with their use. They continue to grow and flourish, and Internet sites are now the most popular way to meet new people. The stigmas associated with them have mostly disappeared, the sites are becoming evermore sophisticated, and they continue taking steps to try and eliminate various frauds and scams. The sites are also becoming much less tolerant of disrespectful or improper behavior, as evidenced by the serious changes made to the website PlentyofFish.com (to view the email notification sent to all of it's users: http://letsmeetourmatch.com/pof-takes-a-stand/).
  
While Gladys' heart may have been in the right place, should she have carried on her deception of Cassie for more than TWO years?

Here are some important steps to follow so you can have a more pleasant and happier experience:

1 - Let your instincts and common sense rule the day.  It's not at all difficult to feel that you have somehow created a "connection" with someone that you only know through an online dating/social networking website. The best preventative steps you can take is listening to that little voice that says, "Let's slow down for a minute before we go leaping off this cliff". The moment you have any question or sense a tinge of doubt about someone's validity, honesty, integrity, or sincerity is your brain's way of trying to protect you.

2 - Emotions and common sense mix like oil and water.  In other words, they don't. Taking a moment to analyze something before reacting, or making any kind of choice or decision, doesn't guarantee you will always make the best or right one. But at the very least you will be choosing what you perceive to be the best option. This is the type of advice most often given by analysts/psychologists/psychiatrists. How many times have all of us regretted the outcome of a choice or decision because we allowed our emotions to dictate the moment and didn't think something through more clearly? Searching for love and romance (one of our strongest, deepest, and most powerful emotions) and then believing you have found it, before staying in control and taking the time to meet someone in person can have sad, disappointing, or even tragic results.

3 - "Red flags" aren't that difficult to detect.  The most glaring one is any kind of hesitation when it comes to meeting you in person. If the person you are in communication with is swearing their undying love and devotion to you, along with promising you the moon and the stars, then meeting you in person should be an automatic. I know if I sense an attraction to someone and there is a real possibility of making a "connection", the only thing I'm thinking is how soon can I meet her? This is the ultimate goal for using online dating sites and should be your mindset, as well. Don't allow a continuous stream of excuses or alibis as this can be a strong signal that something's not right.

4 - Pictures aren't enough.  While I have discussed several times how vital pictures are on your profile, they're certainly not the be-all, end-all for determining physical attraction (chemistry) or if there will be a real connection. This can only be done by meeting each other in person and spending some quality time together. Pictures on a dating profile perform much the same way as a sales brochure or pamphlet. It's only in the physical presence of someone or something that allows our instincts and human senses to fully function as they should.

“I look forward to reading and responding to all of your remarks, comments, and questions. I truly enjoy helping people and hope you will share your experiences. Meeting someone new and dating should be an exhilarating, enjoyable, pleasant experience and a lot of fun!”

Christopher T. Smith is an online dating consultant and the author of Let’s Meet Our Match – Your Complete Guide to Success in the World of Internet Dating. His book shares many of the experiences he has had as an actual user of Internet dating sites. His valuable expertise and advice has helped many people overcome the difficulties of online dating to have a more pleasant, happier, and stress-free experience. To learn more about Christopher and the book, you can visit his website: LetsMeetOurMatch.com